Polarization of loyalty and longing from an humanistic & IFS lens

The tension between loyalty and longing is one of those deeply human paradoxes that shows up in relationships, spirituality, and our inner worlds.

Loyalty is about commitment, stability, fidelity, and honouring the bonds we’ve chosen or inherited, whether to a partner, family, community, or even to our own past selves. It holds us rooted, gives us structure, and often provides safety.

Longing is the pull toward something more, weather it be desire, expansion, freedom, or a soul’s call to what feels missing. It can be a yearning for passion, growth, authenticity, or a life beyond what loyalty alone can provide.

The tension arises when what we are loyal to doesn’t fully meet what we long for. Loyalty may keep us grounded, but it can also feel confining if longing is left unmet. Longing may awaken vitality and possibility, but pursuing it might risk betraying our loyalties.

This tension often shows up as: A marriage or relationship where safety exists, but passion or soul-connection feels absent. Family ties that feel obligatory yet restrict authentic self-expression. A career that provides stability but suppresses creativity or purpose. A spiritual path inherited from tradition versus the deep pull of the soul toward mystery.

Some traditions frame this as a dance between duty and desire, others as a choice between belonging and becoming.

So what’s the pathway through? Sometimes the work isn’t in choosing one over the other, but finding a way to hold both; honouring loyalty while listening to longing, or allowing longing to reshape loyalty into something more alive.

Carl Jung's insights on waiting for a third choice suggest that true fulfillment comes through self-discovery and the courage to choose one's own path. He emphasizes that embracing authenticity is challenging but essential for personal growth. Jung's writings often reference the idea that waiting for a third choice can lead to a profound internal shift, where one becomes aware of their true self and makes choices that align with their inner voice. Earth Fairy Holistics has a short reel on the concept - it’s a beautiful listen. This process involves stepping outside familiar patterns and making decisions that resonate with one's true essence, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling life. Neither are easy, both require deep listening, tension, pain, grace and work.

Note *If you’re feeling this, Tia Clark is a skilled IFS informed clinician.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, the tension between loyalty and longing can be understood as different parts pulling in opposite directions; known as polarization.

A loyal part might say: “We must stay. We made a promise. If we leave, we’ll hurt others or lose everything we’ve built. Safety comes from commitment.” This part carries values of devotion, duty, and responsibility. It often protects against shame, rejection, or abandonment.

A longing part might whisper: “There has to be more. I ache for aliveness, passion, freedom. I can’t keep shrinking to fit into loyalty if it means I’m withering inside. ”This part is the voice of desire, expansion, creativity, and soul.

In myth and archetype, loyalty is the hearth-fire: the keeper of vows, the guardian of the home, the one who tends to lineage, ancestry, and community. In many wisdom traditions, longing is not something to “get over.” It’s sacred, it points to what the soul is truly after. As the poet Rumi writes: “The longing is the return message.”

When polarized, these parts can leave someone feeling stuck in an inner tug-of-war: one side fearing betrayal, the other fearing regret or deadness. Healing often means creating space for both voices, helping the Self listen to what each one is protecting or yearning for.

Often, loyalty isn’t just to a person or system, it’s to an exiled part of us that believes love can only come through sacrifice. Longing, in turn, may be (sometimes) a pathway to reclaiming that exiled vitality. It’s often a messy, messy path to navigate through it.

The reality is - that the tug between the two exists in all of humanity. It's part of the dance we call life…my hope for humanity is that we all have the courage to listen to our deep inner wisdom, our hearts and find/live in our authenticity. As painful and as freeing as that might be.

Looking to go deeper within? Insight timer has a beautiful polarization meditation practice. Let me know how it goes.

Love you, mean it!

Rhea & the entire Sacred Moon Team