Polarization of loyalty and longing from an IFS Lens
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, the tension between loyalty and longing can be understood as different parts pulling in opposite directions:
A loyal part might say: “We must stay. We made a promise. If we leave, we’ll hurt others or lose everything we’ve built. Safety comes from commitment.” This part carries values of devotion, duty, and responsibility. It often protects against shame, rejection, or abandonment.
A longing part might whisper: “There has to be more. I ache for aliveness, passion, freedom. I can’t keep shrinking to fit into loyalty if it means I’m withering inside. ”This part is the voice of desire, expansion, creativity, and soul.
In myth and archetype, loyalty is the hearth-fire: the keeper of vows, the guardian of the home, the one who tends to lineage, ancestry, and community. In many wisdom traditions, longing is not something to “get over.” It’s sacred, it points to what the soul is truly after.
As the poet Rumi writes: “The longing is the return message.”
When polarized, these parts can leave someone feeling stuck in an inner tug-of-war: one side fearing betrayal, the other fearing regret or deadness. Healing often means creating space for both voices, helping the Self listen to what each one is protecting or yearning for. Often, loyalty isn’t just to a person or system, it’s to an exiled part of us that believes love can only come through sacrifice. Longing, in turn, may be (sometimes) a pathway to reclaiming that exiled vitality.
Can you relate?
Looking to go deeper within? Insight timer has a beautiful polarization meditation practice. Let me know how it goes.
Love you,
Rhea